Today I came across a post on Facebook that really got to me. I thought that I had dealt with all these old feelings about what happened in TX. I was sure that I was over being “terminated” b/c I was doing a good job… but all those feelings came back again today…
I hate this. I hate that TX still has its grip on me. I miss those kids… we were ready to settle in and really make a long term go of Youth Ministry in that particular community… we were so sure that THAT is where God wanted us for the long haul. It just hurts so much. This past year the 9th graders that we started with all graduated.. we all had plans to have this amazing graduation bash to celebrate… we all had plans to do that awesome overseas missions trip… things that were in the works when we were forced out…
Forced out by lies, jealousy, misunderstandings and gutless actions by two pastors who should have known better… they really have the art of manipulation down to a tee. They knew exactly how to get me to leave and force me to keep my mouth closed.
They spread a lie about me needing counseling for anger issues… issues that they themselves created. I was told that I was insubordinate, yet I never got any memos, warnings or written reprimands that said so. I was told that I wasn’t involved in the greater Conference… yet I was several committees and planning things for district wide events… I was told I didn’t participate in church wide events, yet those events were not talked about in staff meeting or shared with the staff so that everyone was on the same page.
I am not able to sleep tonight b/c I can’t stop thinking about all of it… the betrayal was the worst… two people who I had confided in as friends both went and shared everything I had shared in confidence with them to the two pastors.
I have spent this past year in paradise…. It has been a nice spot to try to do some healing.. both mentally and spiritually. Work issues here have also been tough… but 1st years in new places tend to go that way. The transition from church ministry to working at a school was harder than I thought it would be! I think I made the jump well… I am geared up and ready for year #2!
I pray tonight that God would heal my heart… I have focused on forgiveness all year… most days I have to keep saying it over and over… that I forgive… that I forgive…I forgive… I feel so unworthy… I am not looking for pity… this has been a real struggle for me. I have felt like such a failure despite knowing in my head that all of these events were in the works and out of my control… I know it wasn’t my fault… I know that all I did was follow my passion and calling to show those kids what a relationship with Christ is all about… buy man oh man does it hurt..
I guess this is a little of the rejection that Jesus must have felt and dealt with… knowing that he had done nothing to deserve the treatment yet having to endure all this pain and still have to forgive them in the end!!!!
I have been angry! Angry that I didn’t get to see my plans to fruition… angry that I wasn’t allowed to tell my side of the story or even say goodbye to the kids. Angry that when we tried to handle the situation like professionals we were the ones to made to look bad. Angry that when we tried to talk to the bishop he dismissed us out of turn. Angry that I didn’t have the money to sue for wrongful termination! (they told the kids they could talk to them about us leaving b/c of legal issues!) But that isn’t the real reason why I am angry!
I think the real reason is that MY plans were messed up… and that is just selfish. Obviously God had other plans! As I write this, I am seeing my selfishness in all of my frustration. Maybe the cliché is true… maybe God had us there for those years “for a time such as that”… Maybe all I was there for was to get to know Kara… maybe all I was there for was to plant the seeds for those kids to grow deeper… maybe I am not the harvester, but the farmer who does the ground prep and the planting! ?????
I feel like I have all this gunk still inside and I want it out! I want to stop having it rear its ugly head… I can forgive, but do I have to like what happened? Do I have to like those people who hurt me and my family?
If you think about it… can you continue to pray for me? Pray that I will find that peace that passes all understanding… pray that I can continue to forgive daily… and pray that I can move on!
Yeah... I will certainly be asking the Father to bring healing to your soul. It really stinks, and you can't get around that it does... I once asked someone how she forgave her husband who had been unfaithful to her.. more than once... (I asked her because I was having trouble with the forgiveness issue) and she said that she could forgive him because she really really wanted to, and loved him.
When I read in the Scriptures that we are to pray for those who persecute us, I think that also involves loving them.
I think forgiveness and healing often comes in waves... like grieving. And over the years, as time goes by, it grows less and less powerful in our lives, and our emotions that hold us captive finally are too weak to hold all of the gunk that comes with the pain, and it can be released. This is IF we are working on it like you are... if we are growing bitter and cynical then I think we get worse not better. Of course Jesus sometimes comes and just touches us and healing is instantaneous. Let the waves of pain come, and then offer them as an offering to the Lord, let them pour out of you right onto the cross ... let it weigh Jesus down and let him take the pain for you. Its the reason he is there.
I love you Lyndsay and hate to see you in pain. You are a great youth pastor and a wonderful person to know.
Posted by: Pam Headen | August 17, 2011 at 04:21 AM